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Marriage Crisis

Q:

As salamu alikum. My name is Fatima and I am from Pakistan but moved to Dubai when I got married. My husband is working here from past years. It's been almost a year now of my marriage. In the start I was very happy but now I just dont feel so much happy about it. My Husband is a very strict person. I am not allowed to got out or to make any friends here. I dont have any friend or acquaintance here. I feel so much alone and depressed. I am not allowed to call or text my old friends too. Even he asked me to cut off contact with my parents too. He asked me to call them to his phone only! I am so much alone here and I feel stuck. He doesn't give enough attention to me as well. He works 10-11 hours a day. Sometimes come late. Always busy with work on laptop or watching television. I asked him If I can study further to make good use of time and to not feel alone and sad but his response was extremely rude. I cant go out for anything. I observe Hijaab and I only have female friends only. There's nothing wrong in my approach. Also my husband is a big time miser. He is never happy to spend money. When ever I ask him to buy anything he always have some kind of excuses. This makes me really upsets as this depicts that he has no interest in me or prosperity of this marriage. I am becoming more and more depressed as days are passing. I think I am also going far from religion too because of this ( which is very alarming situation ).I feel as if Allah is punishing me or I am a very sinful or an extremely bad person. I feel as if the religion wants this to happen with me and justify my husband's attitude. Because he claims to be a very good Muslim. So I feel a bad Muslim for feeling depressed and for wishing things like friends, clothes, degree , etc. I feel like that wishing for these things make me a bad Muslim. I feel severe torture and I have completely lost my way. and I dont know what to do. Whenever I ask my husband to be a bit lenient and accepting he says " I cant change you can have divorce if you want to.You are free from my side. We both can never be happy." I dont want divorce I want this to work! But I just dont know how! Does Islam justify my Husband's attitude? Is this what a good Husband should be(in Islamic terms)? What can I do to make my relationship work? What kind of effort can I make as a wife? and How to cope up with anxiety, depression, loneliness and sadness?

A:

Assalamu alaykum 
 
Very sorry to hear about your situation my dear sister. I hope all your issues are resolved soon.
 
1-Ofcourse his actions are not justifiable. A man and woman come together to live under one roof to be happy and better half of one another. This demands love, understanding,  sacrifice from both sides.
 
2- A good husband has many characteristics the Least I can say is that, he should be someone who understands his wife and the Least he can acknowledge is that his wife has left all her loved ones and belonging and Came to his life. Hence he should at Least be there for her. Spiritually, Physically, mentally, materially etc. 
 
3- you can make your relationship work by doing the following things (there are many to list, but some of which):
i) make plenty of dua. Apart form reciting duas, I suggest you take some time and speak to Allah. Constantly speak to HIM. This act will really help you overcome your depression and sadness. Everyone needs to let our their feelings and fears and what's better than telling the Almighty who has EVERYTHING in his Hands?!
 
ii) choose a very cozy time to speak to your husband. Choose a time that you feel is best to let him know of your concerns. Make sure this does not come out harsh or loud. Take baby steps in this. For instance day one talk about the good times like marriage preparation, day two talk about how good and loving he has been and the good times before, day three as to how much you miss doing a particular thing with him that involved maybe going out or so, day four  talk about how you see a man of God he is and what a great father he will make, day five talk about your concern like future or kids upbringing etc, day six explain sometimes you feel sad and unhappy, day seven express how you can't really coupe with your sadness and need his help to find out the reason....etc etc...Eventually you will reach your goal. This will slowly make a communication bridge between the two of you and he will get an idea of your inner din. 
Sometimes sister, we feel men know and understand exactly what we feel and go through. But in reality our understanding is incorrect. They need to be informed. 
 
iii) speak to someone who your husband will listen to. This should come indirectly so that your husband is not offended about your initiative. 
 
4) As a wife, be a listener. Even if he is a quiet man or so. Try pick up a conversation and be a good listener. This will  make him feel you love and are ready to be by his side. Take interest in his interest and see how it works. In the meantime do things that will make him give you attention. Having humour between the two of you is very important. 
 
5) for anxiety, depression and the like. Quran always helps. Play it in the house often and probably also As to some meaning of the ayahs. Truly its nothing but Words of the wisest.
Also, if possible let your husband know of your feelings and concerns regarding your situation. Again slowly and gentle and see if things budge.
 
Before i end this, i would like to bring to your attention that this is not something Allah or the religion is wishing for you, Rather it's your husband's voluntary actions. And for such actions no one is accountable except himself. 
Also, wishing for friends, clothes, degree or the like does not make you a bad Muslim.  To the contrary you're trying to make use of the blessing Allah has made halal and sweet on you. We have so many traditions emphasising on having good friends, wearing dignified clothes and seeking knowledge. Infact the Quran itself stresses so much on knowledge! 
If Allah wished man to be isolated and grow spiritually in isolation then the Holy Prophet and his Holy Household would have led the same life. However history shows how loving and people's person they were. They had a lot of lovers, friends, companions. They always dressed very smart and wore perfume, and always engaged themselves into acquiring knowledge and more over sharing it. 
 
I hope I was able to answer your Question.
 
In my prayers 
Naajiya.S.Jaffery