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Q:

Salam, I am 20 years old girl and live with my family. My behaviour has changed through past two months towards my family especially towards my parents. I don't say it was better but it gotten worse. I hurt them by my tongue. My akhlaq has changed and I am super scared. I don't want Allah to punish me for all bad words I said to my parents. I cry over the nights becuz no one in my family is happy from me. I am muslim, I pray, I know what my religion have taught me and I even was a Quran teacher for few years. I am ashamed of myself. Sometimes I think what WRONG HAVE I done that I have become like this. Could you give me an advice to change myself to old me and carry that advice through my life. please! I hurt my parents a lot and as a muslima I AM ASHAMED OF IT.

A:

Waalaykum Salam

I am very pleased to be writing to a person so strong like yourself, it is indeed very hard for oneself to accept such faults. Allah make you stronger inshaAllah.

As we grow, we gradually attain our milestones and one of the most important one is independence! It starts at a very very young age and grows as you do too. But as you hit your teenage years, you go through some major changes and your hormones start changing too. That only adds up on your feeling of independence and frustration starts building in.
Besides this, other factors like peer, life style, etc add on to your feeling of  independence with alot more frustration.

To solve this above, you must consider the following:

1- Independence is good, but you should not mix It up with frustration. Do some good reading on them and start incorporating tiny changes into your daily life. What's more is that to express your independence, choice, and wish, you Do not "need" to speak harsh or loud. When it's your right, it is very well understood even if you spoke otherwise.

2- Vent it out. People, especially as young as your goodself, due to extreme changes in their body (plus many other factors) need to get some counselling. Once you vent it out, you will feel at ease and heard to. Some times this behaviour comes about because you feel alone and secluded.

A great way to vent out is to speak to the Almighty. Imagine that some lay person like me and you, can actually easily speak to this supreme being who has "ALL" our affairs under him. I'm sure this will do wonders to your behaviour.

3- Let it out through some other mean, use exercise to warn yourself out on the inbuilt energy. Some cardio or aerobics should do the trick. You can also do some simple yoga moves to sooth yourself and focus.

4- Be organised. This will include physically and medically tracking yourself. You must make sure that your vitamins and minerals are balanced, And also that your daily doings are well managed, especially if you're someone who'se over-scheduled herself.

5-  Which I feel is the most important one, to understand the status ofyour parents!
Allah (azj) says in Sura al-Israa ayah no 23 and 24:

"And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word"

And

"And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small."

This is how important they are that Allah mentions their rights, right close to HIS own. And He also commands us to be very polite in our behaviour with them, especially the language! It is of such importance that He refuses to use the littlest impolite word Being "uff"!!!

Imam Ali (s) says: "whoever's hurt, or saddened his parents, they have disowned him" (Bihar al-anwaar vol 74, pg64)

The Holy Prophet says (s): " A servant who has obeyed his father, mother and Lord, shall have a lofty position on the day of judgement" (Kanz al-A'maal, vol 16, or 467)

I'm sure you neither want be disowned nor deprived of the lofty station. So I'll ask you to pray for them apart from apologising first. Letting them know of your feelings will half solve the entire issue. I will recommend you recite dua no.24 from Sahifah al-Sajjadiyah.

Good luck sister, Allah give us all the opportunity to serve our parents,
Naajiya.S.Jaffery